Episode 788 Retiring at the same time as your spouse
This is Del Lowery with, “Retirement Talk". "What is it like to retire at the same time as your spouse?" is a question that is often asked. I have some experience.
Of course we are all different and may have totally different experiences in regards to this issue. But perhaps my experience can open a window for you to view at least this one attempt.
I remember deciding to retire and told my wife that I would always drop her a card from exotic destinations all over the world. She didn’t see the humor. She knew that there might be a chance that I would do that very thing. The day I retired - she retired.
What has been our experience of adjusting to this new arrangement in our relationship? We have all heard horror stories about the idea of the man being underfoot – so to speak. When I asked my wife for a comment for this program she never mentioned it. So…I guess I wasn’t underfoot.
We have found things to fill up our hours without interfering with each other. In the mornings we each go to our personal stations. She sleeps later than I. We eat breakfast alone as we check our mail and read a bit of the New York Times.. Then she focuses on watercolor in her studio. I practice Tai Chi, shoot a few hoops and then play the guitar for at least an hour and maybe two.
Except for the guitar there is no sound in our house until after noon: nothing electric; no radio, no TV, no music – other than the guitar. I always ask her if the music bothers her, but she always claims that she rarely hears it. I guess she is focused and my music is just meaningless background music. Perhaps that is a reflection of how well or poorly I play.
At 11 o’clock we join together to get our exercise. She, and I, see this as a real plus in retiring at the same time. It is easier to keep to a regimented exercise program if you have someone to do it with. We ski, play racket ball, run, bicycle, lift weights, or just go for a fast walk. The type of exercise has varied over the years. We are at lunch time without getting in each other’s way. It has worked this way for 34 years – and counting.
In the afternoons we again pursue our own particular interest whatever that might be, or we might join together on some project around the house or in the community. We might do a woodworking project: building a greenhouse, a table, a deck, or an addition to our house. She might go work in her flower garden, or run errands. I might work at the computer or write.
Late afternoons always see us coming together again for coffee. We are regular customers at the local coffee shops. We know the baristas by name and they know our drinks. This is not as simple as it seems since we rotate between several different coffee shops; two in Bellingham and three in Vancouver. Here is where we read the paper or a magazine, do a crossword, or talk to friends. It is our place to socialize first and foremost. We love to sit and solve all world and local problems within the time it takes to drink an Americano. Of course all of this changed in the last few years. We haven’t been in a coffee shop to sit down and enjoy it since Covid knocked on our door. Now we drink coffee or tea at home.
Just because you retire at the same time doesn’t mean you can’t do things your spouse doesn’t do. We have each taken different classes and workshops and explored various aspects of painting, music, language, or technology. Sometimes we have traveled separately and certainly spent our time having lunch with friends where the other is banned.
Retiring at the same time has fostered a time to work together on projects. We have enjoyed working together on human rights issues, community efforts, political campaigns, and environmental problems. It is great to have the same time and interests to combine efforts.
I think we have grown closer since retirement. We are more sensitive to each other’s needs to run off and be alone or to just sit quietly. We are more sensitive to criticizing each other. After 57 years together, retirement has been our closest years. Perhaps we are more comfortable with our own egos. We are more assured of our place in the universe and we are more aware of the importance of each of us to each other.
Of course, I realize this may not be the case for everyone. Perhaps your experience has been different. If so, drop me a line at retirementtalk.org and I will read your letter on a program. It will be good for all of us to hear different approaches, different practices, and the unique circumstances that may have led to various results.
This is Retirement Talk.
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